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I’ve been coming across stories and articles on the loss of babies, and as I look at my own little bundle of terror and joy all rolled into one, there is a melancholic sorrow that gnaws softly at the edge of my heart, both for the babies-to-be, babies born sleeping and their devastated parents. This little post is dedicated to every mom and every dad that has had to deal with loss in one way or another, and I hope it gives you strength to know that after every thunderous shower, the sun will continue to shine and someday, a beautiful rainbow that spans across the azure blue sky will colour your bruised heart and world.
Dear Rainbow Mama and Rainbow Pa
It was just a statistic, until it happened to you. It was just a far-fetched possibility, until it became reality. And now, all that’s left is to deal with the sudden loss, and the deep, dark sorrow, a spiraling hollowness that echoes and screams and consumes every single fibre of your being.
That precious child that never got to see the beautiful sun streaming through the windows, warming his cold, defenseless little body.
That beautiful little angel that was born sleeping, still and serene.
That little girl with the teeny fingers and toes and the faintest little smile etched on her perfect face.
It’s not a story that happened to another. It happened. For real. To you. This ain’t a nightmare that you can open your eyes and be rid of. It’s a living hell that you relive again and again each time you open your puffy eyes, your chest wrecked by heaving, tearless sobs. The tears aren’t falling, but your heart is still bleeding.
That moment when the cruel truth crept upon you before crushing your world with a clinical ferocity, it felt like life gushed away in one horrible, fluid wave, and your world swiftly turned dank and dark. Even as the days pass, the nightmare stretches on and on, each painful minute more acute than the last. The pain and fear throb wretchedly with the vibrancy of life as your very soul is sucked away. And on days when you could smile and talk, you wonder if you are cold and heartless for living a normal human existence, questioning and berating yourself, caught in your own internal struggle.
Why? Why me? Why her? Why him? Did I not eat right? Did I not take care of myself? What did I do wrong? How can I prevent this? Why has it happened again? Why? Why? Why?
A thousand questions that will never be answered.
A pain that no other can fully comprehend.
Dear rainbow mama and rainbow pa
I know it’s hard. I know it hurts like it has never hurt before. And time does not erase this memory nor pain away ever, because a piece of you died with your little baby that was meant to see this beautiful world and bask in the warmth of this sunlight that beams gently upon us all.
But one day, I promise you, this gaping hole in your heart that threatens to squeeze and shatter your heart into nothingness, will be a sepia-tinged bittersweet memory that you carry with you forever, a memory that will still hurt from time to time, but nevertheless, a memory. In its place, new love will take root, new love will sprout, new love for a little being, a rainbow baby that washes away the showers of tears that you never thought would cease.
Time will never erase the past, and can never fully heal a pain so deep and so raw. But the passage of time gives hope. Even if your journey to healing is fraught with fears and worries, know that it’s normal and know that you are never alone. You are surrounded by people that love you, so let that love buoy you, and support you on this journey.
And on days that the fear of loss and losing threatens to consume you and hack away at your soul, never be afraid to reach out to the light, to hope, and to love. Because a journey to healing is not meant to be a lonely road.
Precious as your sleeping child was, precious as your rainbow baby will be, you are a precious child of this world.
Let not the journey to healing
be rushed, but let not the journey to healing be denied either.
Heal in your own time, and let the colours of this world fill your world once more.
And may you have the rainbow baby that you’ve always wished for, and cherish the simplicity and richness that life has to offer.
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