Personal Musings

dunno how I ended up writing about and to you, Dear Baldy (:

13 Nov , 2007  

Dear Diary

Just had alot of various things weighing on my mind, so I decided to clear my head a little so I could go back to studying. I know I don’t act like it my first paper is tomorrow.

You know Baldy, whenever I am troubled, I always think of you. Sometimes,  it seems like with you gone, I don’t have a single close guy friend anymore. And it seems even more stark to me now, that with your absence from this world, how much more precious and unique our friendship was. I wish you were here Baldy.

We could go back to lamenting about exams, about Math, and I would share with you my life as you would share with me yours. We would probably both have zero love life to speak of (hahah! Baldy you noe it is true!), with the only difference being that you have someone you like and I don’t.

You could pester me to buy you knives for your birthday, and I would make you walk extra rounds around your sofa just so you get extra exercise. We would study together, just the two of us, in what is a truly platonic and special friendship.

I hate you for leaving just like that, when I wasn’t prepared in the least. Sure, your illness had been going on for some time, but you never said goodbye. There was so much more to say, wasn’t there?

And when you finally bade goodbye, I felt so selfish and territorial – I wanted to stake claim to the words “Best friend” as selfishly as I could. I was proud that you labeled me one of your five best friends, I was part of that special place in your heart, and I wanted to shout it out for everyone to know. And yet, I felt so guilt-stricken at the same time, that even though I was your best friend, I felt I didn’t do enough. I should have done more. But that’s what people always say, don’t they? Pfft… What’s the point?

You took away our best friendship Baldy, even now, I’m not sure I could quite forget that. You know what I mean right? If you were here, there’s so much I could share with you, you as a guy. Scolding me when I needed to be scolded, and lending a kind word when I needed to hear one.

I know that you never judged, never asked me things when I wasn’t ready to share. You never minced your words, you never hid things from me. You showed me your ugly side, shared with me your innermost thoughts, your ideals, your dreams, the things you wanted to do. And I in turn, shared mine.

So why then, did you not fight on? Why then, did you keep your fears to yourself, putting on that brave front, shouldering everything by yourself? Why did you not tell me anything, why did you not tell me what you suspected? No matter what, I would have liked to know, to be there for you, and to erase this parasitic guilt that comes back sometimes.

I wish that there is someone to replace you Baldy, a guy best friend with whom I can share  feelings and thoughts, someone new whom I can share stories of you with. Much as my friends are lovely, I don’t quite know how to talk about you to them I guess. I am not sad when I’m speaking of you, but perhaps a little wistful, with a melancholic kind of happiness, not the tinge of sadness with which my friends might associate you with.

(: But Baldy, to me, you represent hope you know? I’m glad I know you, and I know you’ll always be watching over me. When I’m troubled, I speak to you, and it feels like you understand, that even if you can’t quite solve the screwed up issues that plague, you will watch carefully over the situation. And that is enough for me. In a little way, you’re my little bridge to Christianity I feel.

I’d like to end this with a powerful quote or statement, you know, but I can’t think of anything. But well, I guess ending this with a little smile, despite all the confusion floating above me is in itself, a little blessing.

Bye Baldy!  Mwacks! (i noe you hate that hahha, like my bros!)



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